Monsters of Vaguely Crackish AlternaDrabbles
by Wolves of Xing
Summary: A collection of drabbles for all the insane pairings that simply don't get enough love.
1. Good For Chopping

Disclaimer: Any Futurama fans will recognise the title as 'Monsters of Vaguely Folkish Alterna-Rock'. So, not even that belongs to me ; P

This is going to be a collection of drabbles I have deemed crack-worthy, centering on ignored and forgotten pairings. Enjoy!

* * *

**Good For Chopping**

_...slight spoilers for Chapter 30 of the manga, but it should be pretty self-explanatory : D_

_I was only motivated to write this because _Lyriel_ challenged her readers to write about a pairing from any fictional source that we felt didn't get enough love. Dedicated to her and her awesome Fullmetal Alchemist Drabbles!_

* * *

A stranger, shrouded in darkness.

A young woman, carrying a bag of groceries, passing through the diminutive light of a solitary lamppost.

At first, just another victim to fall beneath the keen blade of his cleaver.

…oh, how he loved to chop things up…

She was like the Homunculus Lust, soft and curvy and good for chopping.

But then the bullets made impact with his armor body.

…and he knew.

As she aimed her gun for where his heart should have been, her hawk-like eyes piercing through his affixed soul, he knew.

Barry the Chopper was in love.

* * *

--Owari--

--Fin--


	2. Playing By The Rules

Hmm...well, these drabbles are turning out to be less crack-drabbles than they are just drabbles on mostly ignored pairings : D Oh well.

I started writing other drabbles of less obscure pairings but...I've been lazy and haven't posted them...eh heh...

**Dustwind: **Glad you like. I've never seen anyone write BarryAi either, but I know there's a bunch of shippers out there...that and BarryFalman... O.o;; lol. I've seen all the anime episodes and read all the manga chapters (up to chapter 48) to date. There's probably a mob of Ran Fan/Lin fans out there somewhere (I mean, how could there _not_ be?) but I read a LinEd drabble a while ago...heh, kinda bizarre, but it was funny. I think fireun wrote a drabble challenge involving Mei, Ed and a pink ribbon which I couldn't hope to beat but...I am hopelessly in love with Xiao-Mei. The panda. That Alphonse stole. It was my idea first though... ; P

Hmm...there's lost of RanFan/Lin angst to be written now too, what with the whole arm-thingy, automail and etc etc. I love all the Xing characters...

* * *

**Playing By The Rules**

_A bit of a spoiler for the end of Chapter 34, and I don't know if Solaris is what her name is supposed to be, but that's what the scanlations I read said, so...I hope it's still fairly obvious who she is._

_And Jean is spelt Jean. Just because. Not Jon, John or - for some odd reason - Jan. Because I started reading Les Miserables in French and if it's not Jean I can't have a laughing fit every time I think of Jean Valjean. Lol. Most awesome name ever._

_It just struck me recently that I have absoloutely never seen this pairing done before. If anyone knows someone who's written about them, send me review ; P_

* * *

He was slightly late getting to the café, so he stopped by a flower shop to pick out a bouquet. _The Rules_ stated that a gift was required for failing to meet the arranged time of meeting with a lady. And he was really hopeful about this date. About the woman he was dating.

He spotted her, sitting alone at a table. _The Rules_ required that he put out his cigarette, respectfully. When he called out to her, she smiled, purple eyes gazing fondly at him.

He loved her eyes. They were narrow, cold and calculating but when she glanced at him, those unfathomable, violets depths softened endearingly. Sometimes, if he looked hard enough, her pupils almost seemed slits, like a cat's.

She was mysterious. _Exotic_.

_The Rules_ had no explanation for why she was with him.

She was wearing a silken black dress with silver lining that looked like it might have imported from Xing, not too fancy but complimenting her figure nicely, along with the hand gloves she was never without.

"Have you been waiting long?"

Her hair fell in graceful, elegant curls, framing her pale, smooth face in darkness. "No, I just arrived."

Her lips, black with her lipstick, quirked upwards in an almost indiscernible smirk.

"How was your meeting, Jean?"

As he sat down and changed the subject, he couldn't help but give her an appreciative look.

Solaris had always been an exceptionally beautiful woman.

Hopefully, if he played by _The Rules_, she would stick around.

Because she had a combination of looks and knowledge that was hard to come by in people.

Keen intelligence. And an alluring appearance.

Kind of like a black widow spider.

But Jean Havoc wouldn't have compared Solaris to a spider. He wasn't really an animal person, after all. He didn't personally think of twitchy little spiders as beautiful.

If he had asked Sergeant Major Fuery however…

He would have been told that while black widows are inarguably fascinating and quick-witted, they are most definitely beautiful. Deceptively beautiful. And undeniably dangerous.

To underestimate an opponent is a dangerous thing to do, as well.

But _The Rules_ never mentioned that.

And Jean Havoc had terrible luck with women.

* * *

--Owari--

--Fin--


	3. Equivalent Trade

...I posted this tonight mostly because of _wellduh_, _Dustwind_ and _Kajeth_'s reviews. Thanks guys! You rule! Sorry about the slight lag between updates though. I've been trying to upload all of my currently written drabbles before writing more.

**Dustwind:** -chokes- JeanEnvy! LOL! Heh, I read a really strange RoyEnvy once... XD As for why Havoc has such bad luck with ladies...maybe it's just a self-confidence thing? Because Mustang is constantly stealing his dates, it becomes almost habit to be dumped? It's gotta be psychological, because havoc is too cute and too awesome for it to be anything else, lol. I suppose being an incurrable chain-smoker might be the _one_ other reason, lol... I have no idea what Lust was thinking. I mean, Solaris? It's not like she has an exactly sunny personality or anything XD Thanks for all the reviews! This isn't really about Mei and Ed...but it's got Mei and Al!

**Kajeth:** Lol, I know Solaris is her alias, I'm just not sure why she chose it or if that's how you really spell it, eh heh...I wonder what would've happened if she had just gone and said "hey, I'm Lust, will you go out with me?" XD

**wellduh...:** Really horrible, but so great? That was my reaction when writing it! XD I was just sitting there thinking "Oh God, am I seriously even considering writing this?" but then it just got me hooked! I'm going through HavocLust _withdrawl_ now, LOL! Your review made me go "squee!": P

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**Equivalent Trade**

_Hmm...let's see, **manga spoilers**, obscure mentions of how I decided the series turned out (for this one drabble, at any rate, lol) and...that's about it._

_Because I bought chopsticks with pandas on them a while ago and now they're **haunting** me, forcing me to write about Xiao-Mei!_

_...I'd probably be writing about anyways, though ; D_

* * *

It had been three weeks since his body had been restored. Or possibly four. It was hard to remember exactly now, his recollection of the time inside the armor fading with the resurgence of feeling.

He still caught himself drifting off occasionally, stopping to savor the feeling of the sun on his face, the taste of food he no longer had to pretend to eat, the feel of a pet snuggled up against him…

He winced slightly as the small, black and white dog-ish thing dug its claws into his side. He'd 'adopted' the creature before he was restored to his body and no one had ever reclaimed it. It had been easier to look after the animal when he had been a hollow suit of armor, true enough, but he would have died to be able to feel this warmth again. Even if it meant he would have to suffer through the scratches and scrapes, he would keep the feral, adorable little creature and look after it.

After all, he knew what it was like to feel completely and utterly abandoned, adrift in a current of nothingness that he could never escape…

Al shook his head and suppressed the urge to call his brother. He didn't think Ed would be at all happy about getting a telephone call at this hour of the morning, but knew for a fact that the elder Elric would be over in a flash if he thought something was wrong.

And that would ruin all of the progress Al had made in forcing Ed back into the outside world. His brother had been with him in this house for the pretty much the entire past three (or four…?) weeks. He had finally convinced Ed that he should go on this mission for Mustang – who was a Fuhrer now, but no surprises there – if only to reacquaint his brother with the fact that there was still real life to go back to at the end of all this. And he couldn't ruin that by giving in now.

Finally deciding that he wasn't going to get any more sleep, Al dragged himself out of bed and began to get ready for the day. His pet blinked groggily and merely rolled over, taking over the warm blankets he had just vacated.

He should really name the cute little guy soon. But he had no idea what it was and it seemed inappropriate to name it without any of idea of its origin or…

Suddenly, a grin graced Al's face and he shot a side-glance at the animal drooling all over his pillow.

Well…if he wanted to name it…and if he needed to know what it _was_ before he chose a name…

Then a trip to the library was in order.

He was sure they'd have books on species of animals and the like.

And if a trip to the library was in order…

His adopted pet growled angrily as he picked it up and carried it outside, away from the warmth of the pillow and into the cold of the pre-dawn air.

Al realised he probably should've considered how cold it was at this time of year before coming out, without even a pair of mittens. If he caught a cold, his brother would…

"Xiao-Mei?"

Turning at the surprised and inquisitive voice, Al's eyes locked with those of a girl, slightly younger than him, who was standing nearby, staring transfixed at him and his charge. She looked foreign, possibly Xingan, and when she spoke, her voice was accented but unfaltering.

"Wha…oh, does he belong to you?" Al felt a slight sinking feeling in his stomach. So much for going to name his companion then…

"Yes, have been taking care of him all this time?"

"Ah, yeah –"

She reached out to take Xiao-Mei from Al and he relinquished his hold. "Thank you so much!"

"It was really no prob-"

"Nonsense," she beamed at him, positively radiating happiness. "I must repay you somehow. I am Mei Chan."

"I'm Alphonse but really, that's not necessary –"

"Hmm, I could give you a reward but…" she smiled sheepishly. "I, ah, don't have any money really. Umm…"

"Actually," Al cut in, mind forming an idea, "I was wondering what kind of animal he was and –"

"Xiao-Mei? Why, he's a panda! There are lots of them in Xing, haven't you ever seen any here? Maybe not, pandas were dying off where I come from, until we started protecting them and…"

Al smiled as Mei continued prattling on about pandas and Xing. He decided she was quite cute when she rambled and her face lit up with delight. He continued to walk aimlessly around town with Mei and her panda, sometimes pointing out landmarks and buildings, other times listening to stories about her homeland.

When they finally arrived back at the house Al shared with his brother, they parted with a small peck on the cheek and a great amount of blushing.

He could've sworn Xiao-Mei was smirking at him through it all.

As the Xingan girl walked away, he decided that, while he may have lost a pet, he had definitely gained a friend. Hopefully more.

Well, that was Equivalent Trade for you.

* * *

--Owari--

--Fin--


	4. Sweet Deception

Hey guys! Back for more HavocLust! XD I'm sorry, they're just so...addicting! And look at all the angst! The beautiful, wonderful angst!

**Dustwind:** I'm not entirely sure I pulled off writing Mei Chan properly, lol-sheepish shrug- but it was just too cute a plot bunny to pass up XD I don't think anyone would be able to resist Mei's cuteness, ha! Personally, I'm probably more of an EdWin fan at the moment...they've just been so adorable in the manga recently : D Lol, lagging between updates is all good and fine, but then I go and and say something like, "I'll try to post every day" and then when I don't I feel guilty XD The fact that I'm updating my other drabble collection moremakes it almost feel like...I dunno, almost like I'm cheating on them, LOL. It's _bizarre_. The RoyEnvy fic I read was so disturbing...but it was absolutely hilarious! It was by 'Velvet mace' and she turned it into a "love nonagon" which was just too funny ; P You don't see anything in Envy? O.o Are you kidding? LOL! For one thing, he's the only guy in FMA that can pull off wearing midriff and a miniskirt, rofl! ...I don't really know what else to say XD I just love his annoyingly obnoxious,bad-ass attitude and his voice actor being a freaking genius helps, heh. Besides, he calls Ed "hagane no chibi-san" XD That's all the reason _I_ need, lol.

* * *

**Sweet Deception**

_Angst and spoilers for Chapter 34 (just in the fact that it's about the Havoc/Lust relationship)._

_I think I took the mind-set of the animated Lust and crammed her into the scenario the manga Lust was in...lol._

_...did I mention angst?_

* * *

To humans, it may have seemed to be love – taking on an illusory glitter and magic that's pseudo-presence was an incessant, disgustingly real reminder to her of just how artificial it was.

They walked down a deserted street in the moonlight, holding hands and leaning into each other ever so slightly. An old couple they passed smiled indulgently at them and twittered on and on about 'young love.' A slight blush graced his features.

To her it was only another reminder.

For humans, there may have been love between them. That wonderful, euphoric, trust and need between two people, an almost palpable emotion. Maybe they saw love in his eyes on her, or her arm in his.

All she saw was deceit. And lies.

Because for her, that incorporeal, surreal love that emanated from him – from all the random people that passed within her peripheral vision – was only an ugly reminder of what she couldn't feel.

She couldn't love.

Only humans, humans with their beating hearts and treacherous minds, could love.

And she was not human.

She was sinful and inhuman and consumed by her insatiable _lust_.

When she looked at him, it was only his love for her reflecting back at him and the rest of his world.

Because she couldn't feel that warmth.

That was why she needed the Philosopher's Stone. Why all of the Homunculi needed and desired it above all else. They envied humans, watched the pathetic beings greedily, hungered for them…_lusted_ after them.

If she could become human…

Maybe, just maybe, if she could become human, this all become more than just a dream. More than a wistful fragmented vision from a life she no longer remembered.

More than a deception.

But even as some part of her desired to be human, desperately needed to feel that warmth, her very being – at its darkest and most unseen depths – rejected the idea. Humans were weak, pawns and puppets, worthless.

And it was such a sweet deception.

In the end, he was the only one who made her think like this, regret her hollow, empty existence.

And in the end, she would be the one to dispose of him, the one to watch as his life bled out from within him, savoring the blood as it fled his body through the gashes she had vindictively carved into him.

In this orchestrated symphony of lies and falsities, she would be the one to strangle him with his own ever-present love.

…and the deceit would drip off her lance-like nails, falling to the floor, meaningless, worthless in its own useless existence.

There was a wonderful, masochistic, twisted irony in that.

* * *

--Owari--

--Fin--


End file.
